Hold The Mayo

It was 8 o’clock and I had just put the kids to bed. I shut the door and practically danced down the stairs because there is something magical about a few hours of grownup time each night. Per usual, I could hear someone get out of bed. They were inevitably dying of thirst, suddenly bursting at the seams and needing to use the bathroom, or possibly trying to convince me they heard something in their room. I braced myself—trying to channel my inner calm. (Does that exist?) But no, not that night. Charlotte was feeling creative.

“Mom! I think I have lice.”

WHAT?! How does she even know what lice are?

Apparently some precious angel in her class came to school with lice, and the teacher said to be on the lookout for itching. Now that it’s time to go to bed, her head—of course—is itching. So I turned on the lights and scoured her scalp, finding nothing. She started crying. I looked again in better lighting. All hell broke loose in the minutes and hours following my second inspection. Lice. Everywhere!

Poor Charlotte. I did NOT handle those moments with grace. I basically bleached my hands, put my own hair up into the tightest bun you can imagine, and wouldn’t touch her again until I had a pair of rubber gloves on. She just sat there, probably confused and terrified at my erratic behavior. But hey…I was just putting on my own oxygen mask first!  (If I get lice, ain’t nobody gonna be happy!)

Fast forward a couple days when we’re still battling. I read that putting mayonnaise in your hair suffocates the bugs naturally, yada yada. I’m up for anything at this point! So I slathered her head in easily the grossest substance known to man and covered it with a shower cap. She slept on it, so imagine that smell in the morning. Now I have the task of washing it out. Did I mention I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and the smell of mayo made me nauseous? So I try—not once, but 2 times—to wash her hair in the shower, but after 2 rounds of vomiting, I gave up. So what did I do? (wait for it…this is where I win my Mom-of-the-Year award!) I took her out back, laid her on the patio table with her head sticking off the end, and SPRAYED HER WITH THE HOSE! From 4 feet away! Gosh, I’m a terrible mother! I’m surprised my neighbors didn’t call CPS.

Why am I breaking my silence and sharing that story? That’s a great question. Because it’s funny…now. Did I lead with grace and gentility in those harrowing moments? Absolutely not! Did it get rid of the lice? Absolutely. And it made me think…Parenting is a lot like getting rid of lice. There are several different approaches to it. Some seem better than others. You have your own views on how it should be handled, and occasionally you have to change tactics. It’s messy! Until you’ve dealt with it, until you’ve walked in those shoes, you cannot judge!  It should NEVER include mayonnaise. And in the end, there is nothing but pure joy and happiness. And there you have it—an entire blog post about lice. You’re welcome.